Everybody falls in love with someone or the other at some point in their life. Back in school I had no time for love, as there were too many subjects to be dealt with.
In Science, Chemistry always remained a mystery to me. Somehow I could pick up Physics pretty fast, but Biology always gave me a headache.When it came to languages, English was a cakewalk, thanks to the 'Anglo-Indian' blood, along with the fact that I only spoke English at home. This blessing turned a curse when it came to the Indian languages I had to learn at school, as I never watched Hindi movies or listened to Malayalam songs. So even with private tutors to help me out these languages freaked me with their gendered inanimate objects and all.
History was alright as long as we were discussing revolutions, but dates, eras and dynasties were too confusing for me. Geography and civics meant swallowing whole and vomiting, fingers-crossed, whole.
But between all this there was one subject that came naturally to me. Something that most of my classmates slogged over, but I never had to give any effort to excel in. This subject was Mathematics, lovingly called Maths. My feelings and level of compatibility with Math back then was so strong that I can confidently say MATH AND I WERE IN LOVE AT THAT TIME.
Unlike my counterparts in school, I never went for tuitions or attended extra classes in math, but I managed to do much better than my expectations. In the beginning I was impressed with myself, but soon it became a habit I got used to. Now, I didn’t have a daily time schedule for math or anything, but I presumed math wasn't possessive to demand that from me. In fact it was the subject I spent least time with.
It wasn't an obsessive affair either, as most of the time I never did my math homework and ended up copying it from the usual "punctual dudettes" minutes before my math teacher was to enter my class. This never bothered math, moreover, it wasn't like I was cheating on it by spending that "quality time" with other subjects.
But whenever I did 'indulge' in mathematical sums I can tell you that I was totally into it and mostly I never let anything else 'disturb' me (well yeah mostly, c'mon we are all human). If there was a 'problem' I couldn't solve it did bother me and I would try and analyze different 'solutions' till something worked. My teachers believed in my math potential, and they never tried to come between us.
Even in my so called crucial 10th grade, I didn’t seek extra help. I remember one time my sister caught me reading math a day before my model math exam. She was horrified. She proclaimed with all the drama she is famous for, that I was going to flunk my exam for treating math like trash. Instead I got a 96 on 100 for that exam. You see how easily we connected. I wasn't scared, I believed math wouldn't let me down, and vice- versa. For the 10th boards I missed the perfect 100 by 3 marks. 2 marks I know how I lost, but I’ve spent many a night wondering about that rogue 1 remaining mark. It just didn’t add up.
Then I went on to my post matriculation years, the 11th & 12th grade. This was when things took a turn, for the worse. Math got complicated as the months passed, but I never gave it much thought. Differentiation made no difference and integration didn’t, well, integrate. My grades went down, people told me to seek help, go for tuitions, I hated the very idea of tuitions and was allergic to it, so I never listened.
But it’s not like I didn’t try. I agree I never paid attention in class, not that I think it would've helped. In fact I did something at that time, something I’ve never done before.
Before the 'oh-so-important' 12th boards I actually sat down and tried solving all the sums from my textbook all by myself. Sort of like when lovers who realize the missing passion try and talk it out patiently. Find the lost magic and all. But that’s when I realized my love affair was a mess. We HAD problems. I didn’t have the answer and like any lover in history I would not take the blame for it.
When the results came I got a pathetic 57 in math, not that I gave a damn. I was just glad to have passed. There was no burning chemistry between us, there was no love left….
Then college. Due to unavoidable reasons I missed almost a month of the initial classes. So for the fear of being the only one left behind, I pushed myself into giving ‘'that extra effort' for all subjects in the beginning. Somewhere at that time I think I revived the chemistry between math and me. A hint of passion, like static could be sensed, but not for long. I was soon back to my old self again.
By now things were really bad. I mean I just wasn't interested anymore. Maths got complicated with every passing day. We drifted apart to say the least. Now I could blame math for the coldness. It got complicated, it changed, 'It was no more the Math I fell in love with'. But all that would only be my sorry excuse for my shortcomings. Maybe I should've (could've) tried harder, I should've paid more attention, I should’ve sought help, I should've realized change was inevitable instead of being stubborn.
Things only went downhill from then, to the limit that my last encounter with maths was in my 4th semester and I flunked in that. Now it would be good to note it was my only supplementary in those 4 wild engineering years. Yes I did clear it in the next chance, but I wish things would've ended between us on a better note.
What’s saddest is that though I was disappointed with flunking, I wasn’t affected in the least that it was Maths. I blamed maths and I cursed it for my failure. But the disappointment ended at the failure. I felt no emotion for the subject I had such a raging affair with in school. It had become me, me and more me by now.
Today even for the simplest calculation I need to use a calculator. If you ask me if we would get back together, I’ll say a definite no. We have gone separate ways to the point of no return. Maybe like a real relationship if we had sought help at the right moment things would’ve been different. Maybe extra time spent would’ve worked.
But in the end of the day there are no regrets, and as life moved on I found more interesting things to indulge in. In the end of the day I can say is maybe nothing lasts forever but it was good while it lasted. :)
